Meeting of minds

While living in Edinburgh the amount of wildlife present in the city was entrancing. Foxes, Badgers, Hedgehogs, even the occasional Deer. The only creatures to be seen in Stirling are rabbits and the seemingly solitary grey squirrel in the gardens over the road. Querétaro is an abundance of the weird and wonderful insects and lizards only seen on television in the UK.

And of course rodents.

I've no problem with the smaller and furrier of our earths co-inhabitants, most people seem to feel the need to kill them upon sight, something I'm not too keen on.

While living on Morrison Street in Edinburgh, I awoke one night with no real sensory or physical reason for my stirring. I just opened my eyes and there directly in my line of sight was a mouse. I should point out I sleep on the floor, albeit on a mattress on the floor, just never seen the point of spending large sums of money to be slightly elevated while sleeping - digression.

So there, sitting on the floor, illuminated by the moonlight bleached orange streetlights and looking directly at me was this tiny 'intruder'. We stayed like that for all too short a time, my mind filling with questions as to how was it I came to be woken at that very instant, what was this little visitor thinking, who had more right to be there, was it actually looking at me and more to the point, directly at my face, my eyes, or just staring into amorphous space.

Ten years on and I still ponder over that encounter. If ever there was a time that made me believe there's more to "Life, the Universe and Everything" than what we perceive through our supposed five senses, it was then. I just hope should a similar event occur my guest isn't of the exoskeletal variety.

Yeah, we get scorpions round these parts.

That Elusive Sense of Achievement II

I'm a bit of a 'completest', just hate to leave things undone, suppose it's what's now come in part to be known as obsessive compulsive disorder. While a lot of video games are 'without end' like Space Invaders, Pac Man (though that's not entirely true, seeing as it crashes at level 256), the vast majority are story led, they have an end and for someone like me that can become a bit of a problem. I recently came into possession of an xBox 360 and found the interesting "achievements" feature. Play 100 Games of Hexic and get an achievement activated, complete a level in Prey, and get an achievement.

While many of these can be a simple case of just starting the game, a number of them require some dedicated amounts of gameplay or a convoluted number of combinations of otherwise pointless actions.

As with most things these days there's a seemingly large online community of people dedicated to getting 100% of all these achievement points in each game they purchase, unfortunately I imagine there's a number of real life achievements they're possibly missing out on in their quest for online bragging rights.

So I guess my own problems with being a completest arn't that great, I still would really really love to know what happens when you finish Frankie goes to Hollywood on the Commodore 64 though…

Who's supposed to be watching who?

So far in life I've bought one TV set, a 23", 4:3 aspect ratio, manufacturer unknown, which rarely showed the correct colours and had from the day of purchase an annoying line right down the middle of it's highly convex screen. Prior to that, visual media was fed to me via a 14" portable which I'd dragged from abode to abode since receiving it as a parental gift aged 16.

Recently I had purchased for me a whopping 32" Samsung HD LCD which I'm sure uses more electricity than the rest of my household appliances combined and will make a fantastic radiator come winter.

Not long after its arrival I received a letter from the TV Licensing 'people' telling me they were aware of the fact a TV had been delivered to my home yet no licence existed for this address. The following is my response to them.

I recently received a letter saying that you had found that a TV had been delivered to my address having been bought on DABS.com.

Yes indeed my girlfriend bought a TV for me from there, I do however believe no license is required for the following reasons:

I have NO intention of watching broadcast television.
The TV has NOT been tuned into to any stations and shall remain as such.
I have a collection of around 1,000 DVDs which I could quite comfortably take the rest of my life to watch, plus I have a subscription to the lovefilm.com service, so receive around 4 films a week that I actually WANT to watch.
I have seven games consoles from the past 3 decades and a collection of more videogames than I can be bothered counting.
I am not likely to be spending much more time in the UK.

I would ask that you look at the current TV listings and tell me if there is ANYTHING that is likely to appeal to my 'demographic'. I'm a 36 year old male, single (as in unmarried and live alone), with an I.Q. in the top 5% for my age group. My entertainment interests are centered around Sci-Fi, Korean horror and what is generally termed 'extreme' music or 'Power Electronics'. I am also capable of reading something other than OK, Zoo or Loaded, my favorite author being Philip K. Dick.

So I am NOT interested in the increasingly popular gossip culture, reality TV 'stars' or the bovine stupidity inducing monotony of continuous repeats of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please.  I didn't have a TV for almost a year and STILL somehow managed to see that episode with the haunted pub about six times!

So if you can point me in the direction of any TV show I'd find to be beyond sickeningly banal then I'd GLADLY pay for a license, provided of course that the cost of such is in comparison to buying said series on DVD about a week or so after it's been broadcast - a la Doctor Who… which while a touch infantile I do still have a soft spot for.

As a web designer I'm very familiar with the huge amount of on-demand entertainment resources online. I am an avid exponent of youtube and recently joined the Joost beta program, which thankfully has many shows that I've been wanting to see for years but have never been broadcast in the UK nor made available on DVD.

I don't wish to come across as elitist, suggesting that TV is for "The Proles" (Orwell, 1984, Big Brother - the book, not the alarming popular TV show (Channel 4 sticks a camera in a womans bedroom and it's called entertainment - I do it and get 6 months and a restraining order (joke)) but the fact is TV is aimed at the lowest common denominator and I am firmly outside of any form of classification that the BBC is willing to 'entertain'.

So, I'd quite gladly have one of your officers round to inspect my property and the equipment here, should I be incorrect in my assumption that having the TV for purposes OTHER than watching broadcast television still requires a license then I appologise for my misunderstanding but would wish to see documentation to clarify why this is the case. If it is so then I shall dispose of said television and return to my previous methods of watching films on my 6" portable DVD and letting my consoles continue to gather dust until such time as I take myself abroad.

Food Glorious Food II : BD IV

The fruits wrought from carcasses of swine are regarded here in much the same way as hardcore pornography back home. It's there if you want it and know how to find it, but kept out of sight from children and self-respecting members of the community.
Plenty of poor substitutes are available in the form of beef or chicken luncheon meat, chicken hotdogs and rashers of breakfast veal. Stocking my food cupboard has become considerably easier in recent months. Having discovered larger chain supermarkets outside Manama, vast quantities of ready-made meals and cooking sauces are now at my disposal. Cheese is ridiculously hard to get hold of. Coldstores only seem to stock 'Happy Cow" a Dairy Lea type of product and processed cheese slices that the locals can't get enough of. Jawads (the local name for the Tesco brand), has a nice little deli section with a good range of mouldy cheeses and it was while perusing these nuggets of creamery gold that I stumbled across a shrine.

Barely noticeable was a gap leading to a secret treasure of more pork produce than you could shake a pot of apple sauce at. Pate, hotdogs, sausages, bacon, chops, loin, ribs, even that pie with the egg in the middle. Filling my basket like Hong Kong Phooey would, I slowed when the display degenerated into a pork autopsy. I was at an exhibition of body parts more suitable for grinding down to fertilizer than human consumption. Knuckles, bags of tails and icepops of blood, rinds, tongues and testicles - you name it, it was there, pink and frozen. 
Already stilted I halted abruptly when presented to the 10.23kg, cling film wrapped head of the creature who's anatomy was commonly disguised as a desirable accompaniment to egg, beans, grilled tomato and tattie scones.

Must admit, it looked quite serene…

Dichotomy : BD III

I was wandering around the Manama Souq looking for a suitable vendor from which to purchase beds for some friends imminent and much anticipated visit. In an alleyway I saw a woman sitting with whom I presumed was her offspring.
The child was obviously suffering from borderline malnutrition, barely aware of its surroundings, skin and threadlike muscles sagging from it's bones. I observed, while passing, as she tried to slide bread into the child's mouth which was just a slack opening to a head lolling about in her arms.
I found exactly what I wanted, paid BD30 (£50) of the 60 I was carrying, went home and ate a meal of sundried tomato and oregano pasta in a red pesto sauce with a glass of freshly juiced mango, while waiting for the delivery of my acquisitions.

Two days ago I found a dog lying outside the office, protecting itself from the afternoon sun in the shade of our building. The animal was obviously suffering from borderline malnutrition, barely aware of its surroundings, skin and threadlike muscles sagging from it's bones. I went back into the office and took from the fridge the packet of sliced roast beef I had planned to make sandwiches from for the forthcoming weeks lunch. I threw the meat to the dog and cautiously it emerged from its shelter, sniffed the food and with a swift jerk of its head threw it down its throat.
The next evening, on my way home, I saw the same dog sniffing beside one of the many restaurant bins which pollute the afternoon air. As I reached out to pat its head, it turned sharply, snarled with a vehemence I'd never before witnessed in an animal and ran off.

Food Glorious Food : BD II

Baked Beans, staple side-dish of the UK. So what's your favorite brand?

I've never liked Heinz myself - too sweet, always preferred Cross & Blackwell. Here Heinz is king, which makes me wonder just how many cans of beans are sold every day? A rather dull ponderance I admit, but what I'm trying to say is that undertravelled as I am, it's never struck me how huge the world is population wise, but how small it now seems related to consumer goods.

Shopping here has so far been a bit of a sod, supermarkets just ain't that super, selling the same limited range of canned goods - except for one which stocks Chicken Tonight - bless 'em. I guess the main problem is that convenience food hasn't quite made it here yet, the decline of the Traditional Nuclear Family and Stay At Home Mum in the West has truly left its mark. Sure, there's take-aways, McDonalds, KFC, Dairy Queen, Hardies and a whole list of other burger, pizza/kebab shops and stalls, but there's a severe lack of stuff like Dolmio, Uncle Bens, and Balchelors cooking sauces. I just like to come home, chop up a lump of dead animal flesh, fry it until golden brown, add sauce and simmer for 15 minutes, serve with rice and my preferred vegetable of choice.

The equivalent of finding something easy to make for tea out here is like hunting wildlife with a slingshot in the UK.

OK, slight exaggeration.

One night I went to do a bit of shopping. Collecting the coconut oil, herbs, spices and the other bits 'n' bobs needed to make a Korma presented little effort, I then went on a quest for chicken. Having found the butchery department I noticed some nice, plump, juicy looking chicken breasts.
Making a bee-line to the chill cabinet I thought to myself, hmmm, chicken breast shouldn't have lumps like that all over it… shouldn't have red veiny tracks running around those lumps either and now that I think of it, it most certainly shouldn't have long strands of what looks decidedly like spinal cord running from it whatsoever at all.

I settled for vegetables in my curry that night.

Sheep's Brain Korma was definitely not on the menu.

House Guests

I've never understood the term "ignorance is bliss". How can a lack of awareness, to someone with any intelligence and sense of the world around them, be anything other than terrifying?!

And yet it seems every day I, in the business of web design, run into clients who are blissfully ignorant to the fact they have uninvited guests running around their stores, their homes, their business.

I am a homeowner - at least partially. My first action when parted with my deposit and exorbitant solicitors fees was take the keys, MY keys to MY home and keep them safe, secure and always within easy reach. I didn't approach the nearest stranger who's bearing suggested they knew which was the business end of a hammer, saw and chisel, hand them my keys, thinking they must know all about houses, their care, upkeep and billing requirements, then saunter off to enjoy my daily life without a care or worry about where my keys are, who can get into my home and what they may do there. After all, I've given my keys to some one who "looks like they know what they are doing".

That scenario - preposterous as it may seem, is one I encounter almost every time I meet a potential new client with an existing website. They have no idea where their keys are. That triumvirate of FTP, username and password supposed to guard their webspace; their business, went missing the very day they made the purchase. Once I eventually find my way into that business premises - with their permission of course, I've yet to fnd the previous occupants have made off with the combo TV/DVD, scrawled over the walls and left an unpleasant 'souvenir' on the fireside rug, but it's only a matter of time…

goto 10

In the halcyon days of home computing (idyllic despite a Commodore/Spectrum brand loyalty war raging amongst the nations teenagers), a ubiquitous sight was that of a lonely C64 on display in Comet or Dixons it's output dedicated to the sole task of repeating "Moz Woz Here" until someone felt charitable enought to put it out of its misery and press the RUN/STOP key.

People have forgotten what computers are REALLY for.

The traditional school punishment of "writing lines" is meaningless to a computer, a dull tedious grind to a human is the bread and butter of a computer. They're MEANT for dull repetitive tasks, but seem now to be making our lives more complicated. Word files are sent to me with indents spaced out immaculately with individual key presses instead of tabs or style sheets. Powerpoint presentations with page backgrounds placed individually rather than using master page designs. All the tedious, time consuming work that systems are in place to save you the effort, and people gladly plough on in expecting the task at hand to be complicated because computers seem complicated.

While always preferring to take the shortest possible route to finishing a task I recently looked into Applescript, a function of the Mac computers I've known used and loved for well over a decade. If you use a Mac, especially in design, look into it… it's gonna change your life.

That Elusive Sense of Achievement

I've found something often asked during the interview process is,"What do you think is your greatest achievement". I'm unfortunately, due to the situation, forced to bite my tongue and refrain from a comment such as, "Get that one out of Holding Interviews for Dummies did you?" and respond with a not untruthful but perhaps not overly considered answer.

My achievements are so inconsequential in the face of what I regard as being globally important. Sure I've progressed, and seen each goal I've reached as an achievement but seldom does anyone else. Not that I'm one to measure my own success against the views of others, but the admiration of peers is never going to be treated with distain.

That said: learning the skills I have, gaining the friends I have, finding people wishing to employ my talents, these are the equivalent of finding sentient life on Mars in comparison to someone who heralds their success by announcing "FIRST" on an internet message board.

Funny Man : Review

The problem with facts is they're generally boring. They may be great and indeed a necessity if say, producing a documentary, but when detailing otherwise mundane daily activities, where's the harm in adding a little salt and pepper?

Such it was with the previous story.

Funny Man was indeed in. Who else on an almost barren 253 square miles of former oil-rich land was going to be inclined to hire it? So I got it out, watched it and took it back. Life went on. While it's no great milestone in budget movie making I did enjoy it and the memory of the experience did linger on for many years. Recently I had the opportunity to watch it again, this time of course on DVD.

So how did it stand up? Not badly, not badly at all. Perhaps this is aided by my love of the 'B' movie genre, especially those Hammer Horror style anthology movies that so often starred Peter Cushing. Rather than having what would commonly be referred to as 'plot', Funny Man is a series of tableaus where the titular character (a jester clothed Goblin) disposes of intruders upon his territory, employing a series of increasingly outlandish means. There's just a little something lacking though that's hard to place, I can see greatness lurking in there, it just needed a prod in the right direction to become apparent.

The biggest surprise was in the actual DVD itself. Throughout my collection of several hundred films, from the most banal of budget releases to extravagant box sets, Funny Man has, with no doubt, the finest set of extras I've seen. All were completely watchable and had something to offer in their own right. Of special note was a documentary on the diminutive star Tim James. Who? Yeah - me too. This had the potential to be as interesting as a documentary concerning your postmans sock drawer, yet is truly fascinating with some fantastic footage from the time of the films release and the promotional drive at Cannes.

So I suppose hiring that DVD was the final part of the odyssey: My Quest To See This Film. It's not been a bad ride but it'd been nice to have someone who'd have enjoyed the journey with me.

Lights, Camel Action! : B.D. I

I like a good film but like a bad one even more. I have a tendency to get a bit obsessed about the occasional movie and a prime example of this is "Funny Man". 
I read a review for it years ago while on coffee break at St Georges and decided It had to be seen. Described as a black comedy schlok-horror, destiny decided to stand in my way and disallow me the pleasure to be gained from this potential B-movie classic. The girl I was seeing refused to go, nobody else was interested and foolish pride prevented me going to The Filmhouse alone.

Eventually it came out on video but every time I saw the case, it was on loan. It presented itself to me on a shelf in Virgin Records once, like the Holy Grail, but I didn't have enough money and upon returning with the fiscal requirements for the purchase, somebody had beaten me to it. 
A casual interest in this film was becoming a distinct NEED to see it, a need that was put to rest my last Saturday in Edinburgh before departing for Bahrain when I paid Virgin one last visit - to no avail.

Enter Queen Video stage left.

Let me first introduce you to the world of video shops in Bahrain. They may have about 30 actual films on display, the rest are pirate copies selected from ring binders filled with hundreds of photocopied video covers. Queen video has more films in its horror selection than the average Blockbuster has in its entire library. Lets see if you can guess what film they have?


Approximately 3,700 miles from when it was filmed, I found a copy of Funny Man. Where Edinburgh had failed me Manama, Bahrain was welcoming me with open arms, granting my desires and putting to rest a borderline obsession that has lasted almost three years.

It was out.